beer
The following isn’t anything you have not heard me say before, and often, but the time draws near, and once again this year I’ll be risking my social network by making the impeccably reasoned case that golden-colored beer with blue dye added (“green beer”) for St. Patrick’s Day is a plague, pox, contagion, curse, atrocity, scourge, infestation and outrage.
Green beer is stupid, silly, doltish, foolish, daft, dumbed-down, idiotic, inane, fatuous, moronic, imbecilic, brainless, thickheaded, dunderheaded, dull, dim, dense, slow, and witless (I padded this list with my handy, threadbare thesaurus).
But this year, primarily owing to the fundamental peachiness (not to mention adaptability) of my character, I shall endeavor to be less negative about green beer than ever before.
Verily, I alone cannot modify anti-social beer-havior.
Rather, working collectively, those among us who are properly attuned beer lovers can reward the righteous, while leaving the others to their loathsome gruel.
(Also, kindly note that there surely is such a thing as “green” beer produced in a somewhat natural, perhaps even “artisanal” manner. See today’s cover photo, and know that I’m not speaking of this limited, almost artistic phenomenon.)
But let’s change it up in 2026.
When you are out and about the next few days, inquire of your regular beer haunts if they’ll be honoring St. Paddy’s (NEVER ST. PATTY’S) Day with principled Irish-derived beers, or rendering innocent golden beers Disneyfied “green” to appease the recurringly senseless masses.
Thank them either way, and let me know WHICH ONES ARE NOT greening their beer (mayorbaylor@gmail.com or Fb messaging; I’m depressingly easy to find).
I’ll assemble a list of those on the right side of beer history and tout them, while allowing the others to wallow in their chicanery, sans comment.
As The Hold Steady once advised, we just gotta STAY POSITIVE.
